Below are excerpts of the journal Jeff found at the airport when he was in Dallas. They are in the order we read them on the air. Monday at the top, then Tuesday below and so on.
Enjoy.
I cried for 6 hours last night and my heart is breaking. I haven’t written in one of these for a long time, so I thought now would be a good time to start. It is so hard, being in a new place, a new job and the love of my life (so I thought) broke up with me. Not only that, but he did it over the phone. I understand that we live in different states, and our careers make it that way, but eventually, if we stuck it out, we would be together in the end. I had such love and faith in us that in no way did I think this relationship would ever end, but it has. What makes it harder is that I know it is not because he doesn’t love me anymore, but that it was location and career. He can’t be away from LA too long and I can’t go there. What a fantasy I was living, thinking love prevails no matter what. I even lowered myself to beg on the phone to give us a chance, that we haven’t yet discovered our true possibilities and that this was just a test of our love, having to be apart for months at a time, but it was foolish and now I feel worse than before. I am in my 30’s now, and even though I don’t think my clock is ticking, I thought this was it. Am I going to be alone forever? Don’t I have a lot to offer? Am I not worth the wait? My heart is so broken. I’ll write more later…I think I might have to cry again.
More Later...SML
So it has been a few weeks since he broke up with me and surprisingly, I am doing O.K. I honestly thought it would take longer to breathe again, but slowly and surely, I am becoming myself again. I know there is a part of me that would jump at the chance at getting back together if he called, but I also know that is not going to happen so why torture myself with these “what if” scenarios? I think perhaps I am just really lonely and missing the talks, the endearments… just being a part of the relationship. I loved loving someone and having been loved. After we broke up, I still lowered myself by sending text messages and emails periodically but those have come to a halt as it was truly one sided---on mine. He would humor me by being responsive and kind, but really, I need to move on. You know, I have never been in a rush to have kids or get married, but for some reason, I am having doubts that I will ever have that. Do I portray myself as the un-marrying type? In my 30 years, no one has ever proposed to me and I am starting to wonder if that will ever happen. I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but will I get my “happily-ever-after?”
More Later…SML
So here I am standing in my wedding dress thinking to myself “What I am doing and how did I get here?” This is NOT what I envisioned when I dreamed of my wedding and marriage. This is not my match! What I am doing? After all my previous breakups, was I afraid of being alone forever? We have had a long distance relationship for the majority and everything I thought we were, we are not. Getting married after a year and a half. Just the other day getting ready for the wedding, my best friend made a joke to my fiancé that “Hey, she has 24 hours to change her mind.” Little did she know, or anyone for that matter, that I wanted to scream out loud “NO! I don’t want to marry him!” I have always been so strong, and my fears of being alone and willingness to lie to myself about the relationship problems blinded me into this wedding dress. Who is miserable on their wedding day? Who cried at the altar not because she was completely in love but rather, scared to death about what she is doing? Me. I realized that there was a lack of communication and intimacy issues long before my wedding, but I forged ahead. I was so scared of saying “no,” of walking away…of letting the woman I know who is screaming inside to come out and be strong. For not only myself, but for this man I was about to marry. It’s not fair to him either. I am so sad, so scared and so lonely. I have no one to talk to because I am fearful of telling my friends and family that I was lying to them all emotionally about how I felt, and that only two weeks after the wedding, I want an annulment.
More Later....SML
I have spent a few days crying myself to asleep and feeling the absolution of alone. I have made a decision to end that feeling. I have been so lost and blind, but the rational woman inside tells me to come clean with my family and friends that the decision to get married was not the right one. I have to say I made a mistake, a huge one. I am so scared to do so, but I am. I truly believe that sometimes through other people "God Is Trying To Tell You Something" and this is MY something. I have lain in bed crying for days, and this cannot continue. Not only did I make the decision to end this relationship, but also am in a new state and a new job, away from everyone important to me. What will everyone think? Do my co-workers know something is wrong? How long can I hold a happy face? I didn't tell anyone anything was wrong! I keep pretending life is wonderful...the lie cannot continue. I told him that I wanted an annulment today, and he cried. I cried. There is no easy way out, and my heart burns with agony. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt anyone, I am hurting too...but my heart sometimes gets in the way of reason. I can barely breathe my soul aches so much, but I am going to stop writing and call my father, my hero, the one I fear the most will be disappointed. Please God don't let my dad hate me for this decision, I only want him to be proud of his little girl...I want out...I want to be happy...
More Later...SML
As I was mustering up the courage to call my parents and tell them the decision I made for an annulment, I got a call from my step mom to see how things were going in my new job and place. Parents are so insightful, because I STILL held strong like nothing was wrong while talking to her. She picked up on it and finally asked what was bothering me. I broke down, cried and told her everything. Every little painful detail. It was such a release to be able to say out loud that I was unhappy and that I as sorry for not being honest with anyone about my feelings. I was lying to myself, friends and family for so long about my unhappiness that I didn’t know how I was going to be able to handle this! She was so supportive and loving and then said that she knew something wasn’t right! She, my sister, my dad, my brother. She said that leading up to the wedding and on the day of, my bright personality was stifled and missing. The excitement was missing from my eyes and attitude. Because I had said nothing about my doubts, they all assumed it was nerves. She said hindsight is 20/20 because had she known there was a problem, she and my dad would have gotten me out of it. I then spoke to my dad and I have never had such an emotional conversation as he gave me the fatherly advice, support and love I so desperately needed. He said that he is happy that I made this decision because what if I continued on for the next 5 or 10 years this way? He said he only wants me to be happy and is here for me no matter what. I still feel a little nauseated on a daily basis from the pain of all this and people are still ’congratulating’ me around the office on my recent wedding. I am still lying to them and I hope my insides are not reflecting my outside at work. How do you tell your new boss and coworkers “Hey, I know I just got married, but I am now going through an annulment?” Inevitably what follows that is “Why?“ There are just certain things I cannot explain but one step at a time I guess.
More Later.....SML
There are so many emotions overtaking me as of late that I am not quite sure how to deal with them. I have been considering counseling, which is probably a good idea. My relationship is over, and I knew it was over before I admitted it to myself. I never wanted to feel like a failure, but I do. He has been sending emails and calling me and STILL wants to be together after everything. I told him <finally> how I had no self esteem left, that when I look in a mirror, I see an ugly woman and I should not have to feel that way! There has been no intimacy in our relationship for over 8 months now and every excuse he gave me…I took. I didn’t want to feel like it was me, but I did. He says I am his best friend, loves me and still wants me and that its MY fault we are not together because I didn’t ‘give him a chance.’ Haven’t I? Haven’t I waited and slowly feel deep into sadness for long enough? I know I didn’t say much to him about our lack of intimacy and I would only broach the subject gently with him. I was always blown off or given an excuse. Now it’s MY fault. He actually had the nerve to say to me “What the F*$@ have YOU done about it??!” Wow. It goes back and forth from him being nice and wanting to be together to accusing me of not giving our relationship a shot. So he de-friends me on face book and lists himself as single and throws me in the grease in a shout out. What does he want from me? If I was truly his best friend, he would have done everything to solve this problem. I asked him to go to counseling, and it was met with “I will…I will..” but he didn’t. THEN he turns around and says its no use to go if we can’t be together, but he still never went. I did give him the chance to go before I said I wanted out. Then he yelled at me because I asked AGAIN what the problem was, I mean, he really screamed. I just kept saying “You need to stop yelling at me“…. . Sigh…Ya know, I just want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful, strong, independent woman again.
More Later…SML
I just want things to be over and move on! I have dealt with the sadness and now I think I have successfully moved into anger. I am so thankful that there were no assets acquired in our short lived relationship, because I do not know how anyone else has dealt with divorce/annulment/etc. The only thing I had to do was get my own cell phone, off his plan and then take over the car payment that was in his name. He was really angry when I told him I was giving it (the vehicle) back to him, as it was in his name, and as selfish as this sounds…it was a gift. The relationship is over, so I have no right to keep the “gift” and he was furious when I said I was returning it. I decided it was a means to an end and just financed it myself and took it over. So that is done. One of the final things in preparation for this full separation was to get all my things moved to me from his house to my new place. It was a considerable amount of money to do so and wouldn’t you know…he forgot to put a few things with the movers that were important to me. He said he was sorry and that when it gets warmer, he will clean out the garage and mail me the bin of dolls I have had since I was a little girl. When it’s warmer? Seriously? For one, its an enclosed garage and secondly, I cleaned the garage myself not long ago and its in order, spotless and the bin is sitting right there! Not only is he dragging this out, but it’s a reason to stay in contact with me. I am convinced of it. He signed his email to me “remembering you fondly” and then a smiley face. I am so confused! What’s going on!? Grrr…It’s not that I don’t want him to be civil towards me but there are so many mixed signals I am getting and this is just another excuse to remain in service to him somehow. He has something precious to me. He is being nice to me. Ah for flipping flaring filth growl. I know that wasn’t a sentence, but that’s where my brain is right now.
More Later…SML
It has been non-stop with phone calls to friends and family slowly breaking the news of my wanting an annulment to the man I JUST married. Having to come clean about the intimacy and communication issues has been a little embarrassing to say the least. Not only that, but even though I feel cheated in my relationship, I still feel bad about talking about him and our problems. I mean, he is not an ogre! I don’t hate him! I want us both to move on and be happy! Is it wrong to get it all out and explain things? So far, my family and friends have been extremely supportive. Some are in shock and some thought they felt something was wrong. My cousin in particular. I asked her “What did you think was wrong? I thought I hid the issues pretty well, fine actress that I am, ha ha!.” She said that “At the wedding, for one, he only stayed with his family and that if I wasn’t wearing a wedding dress, you wouldn’t even know that we were a couple. Just the lack of emotion and happiness together.” She went on to say that he only stayed and talked to his family without approaching any of mine.“ Wow. As she said it to me I looked back at the day and she was right. But is that something to really get in a tizzy about? I don’t know. So I thought harder, and yes…it starts to make sense! It is odd that he does not call, write, communicate or have anything to do with my family. Never asks about them, wants to plan trips with me to see them, nothing…HOWEVER, I am in constant communication with his family. I mean, he would tell me “Have you called my mom? Yea, you should call my mom.” I would and I didn’t think anything of it, because I DO enjoy his family, but it was a little one-sided…well, O.K. a lot one-sided. Obviously, I no longer speak with his family and I am, no doubt, the un-caring bitch in their eyes. He never told them the full reason why this marriage is ending and why I want an annulment. He just said that “I wasn’t feeling connected to him anymore.” Yes, that is true and I did say that, but come on, really? Do they really think that is the ONLY reason I would chose to break my heart and throw in the towel? But… I can’t worry about what his family thinks, I can only move on. I pray for the day this is all over and I can just…breathe again.
More Later…SML
It is so hard to love someone so much and then have it all come crashing down on what you believe to be based on false proclamations. The man I married is not the man he presented himself to be, and when that realization occurred, I felt two things: 1. I am in too far deep to get out, just keep on the way things are and things will change. After we are married, things will change. 2. I felt betrayed. The reason I feel that way is because he forged ahead with the idea of my personal dream man and filled in the blanks. The majority of our relationship was over the phone and internet due to both our jobs, and I felt getting to know him this way was actually a positive thing, because all we can do is get to know one another! How awesome is that?! I don’t know if he ever intended to lie to me or even realize that I feel this way, but the lie was in the presentation of himself. When we finally lived together, I found myself slipping away more and more and with no loving comfort or family/friends near by, it got worse. I slipped inside myself and when I would gently ask him about the things that were bothering me, he would get defensive, change the subject, or just go on with the way things were. That was being roommates. That’s how I felt! What I even feel worse about, is that I don’t want to throw him in grease, or say he is this terrible man, because he is not. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy, and we have to go our separate ways. I can get so angry, and I feel I have that right considering, but, I can’t find it in my heart to hate him or wish him ill-will. I hope to god he eventually figures himself out. I hope he can find himself. But right now, it’s my turn…my turn to find myself.
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